If you haven’t read this post from November, then what I am about to write might make more sense if you do. It’s a retraction – a public statement if you will – about how in my confusion and upset I got things so wrong. About how, in wanting to defend someone, something that I had thought was real – I only managed to make excuses for them when in fact there really weren’t any to make.
They say there is a fine line between love and hate, but I don’t buy that. They say that the opposite of love is indifference – and though in time I undoubtedly expect that to become the case – for now, I feel nothing but loathing towards you – at the way you chose to make me feel, the way you continue to make me feel – time and time again. No apologies, no concern regarding what you’ve done, despite already knowing the agonising hurt I’ve gone through in the past. You sought me out for whatever reason; you initiated all of this despite having being knocked back before, despite having been given the chance to opt out previously. You let me fall first… and now you play the innocent.
Before there was the excuse of youth but now there are no excuses. I’m not the only victim to your selfish ways – there are many - and though I don’t intend to divulge the details of every hurtful act you’ve ever perpetrated against each individual (my intention here isn’t to ‘expose’ you – though there would be a very long list), suffice to say, none of them were justifiable. You pretend that you recognise this fact, but I don’t think you do – you’re too wrapped up in thinking about yourself to – otherwise why else continue to behave like it?
You want to know the ways you’ve left me feeling? Fine; naïve, stupid, foolish, worthless – but to name a few. Average, lied to, duped to name some more. Ultimately – no longer ‘special’ just ‘insignificant’. And I hate you for it, I really do. I hate the fact that you seemingly welcomed me into your wonderful family, that I grew to cherish each and every one of them and to think of them as my own – the fact that I miss them. I hate the fact that you promised me so much and yet now you deny to people that you ever did. But most of all, I hate the fact that you think it’s all ok.
I have no doubt, that when others see you smirk and joke around, when they hear you brag about your latest ‘conquest’, all they think is ‘Wheyyyy, he’s such a lad’ – and you are, you are such a lad. Such a lad that gets the whole room laughing, the kind whose bravado never stops, the sort who comes across as the ultimate ‘Mr Happy Go Lucky’. But let’s not fool ourselves – you’re not always happy, and you’re also ‘such a lad’ that treats women – that lies, that cheats, that manipulates, that doesn’t give a second thought to other peoples feelings, that never fights, that only ever gives in – you really are this ‘lad’ – a coward. I thought you’d stepped up for me – you said you had, but it was just another lie.
I may be weak for loving people too much, for thinking I can depend on them, but my God would I prefer to be this way than to be so cold, so heartless so as to not even be able to recognise what love is. To not be able to give myself fully to someone – to let them in, to have to constantly wear a mask. Don’t ever think that the fact I am able to display my emotions makes me weak. Don’t ever think that there is anything I won’t go through and come out stronger on the other side. This pain I’ve felt – this anguish, this betrayal – will only serve now to make me fight even harder, to succeed further, to live a long and happy life with the people I love without the need to hide anything from them.
You however - whether it be in five months or five years time from now - the novelty will eventually wear off once again and you will wake up one day and realise. You’ll realise that the only person who truly knew the real you, the only one who knew all the sordid details, and who had been willing to accept you despite them, is gone – for good. You’ll never come back, you’ll never apologise, because again – you won’t have the guts to. But believe me - that feeling, that feeling of knowing will forever haunt you in between the moments of elation and distraction. The only difference this time, is that you’ll just have to live with it.